There are not many places to hide in our six-roomed house. I am currently upstairs in our bedroom. This is where I have been coming for the last few days at around six o’clock. An hour of my own.
When Arlo was tiny, I used to have a bath at around this time. I’m not really a bath person (much prefer a shower), but it was an excuse to escape. To have my hands free of baby and space to reconnect with my own thoughts. A snippet of time to myself after a full on day of bouncing, rocking, carrying, feeding.
Recently, I have felt an urge to escape again. I’m not too proud to admit that Arlo can often be very trying. Patience is one of my better qualities but he does manage to shake me sometimes.
It feels like 10% of our day is him playing happily, the rest of the time he is crying to be held, or crying for milk, or crying because he’s tired and irritable but won’t nap. Crying because I attempted to do the washing up and therefore wasn’t devoting my full attention to him. If I tell him ‘No’, ‘Wait’, or ‘Later’ he bursts into sobs, and I don’t like pushing him away.
He has bad days and better days (on a bad day I can’t stand up without him crying, on a good day he will let me do chores), but I don’t feel it’s an exaggeration to say that that is what he is like on an average day.
I’ve heard it’s a phase they go through, but it’s a bloody long phase. I want to say that he started being this way at around eleven months. That was when he upped the clingyness, the panic if I wasn’t immediately available to him, and the demands to breastfeed ALL THE TIME. But truthfully, he’s always been this way inclined, especially with wanting to be carried everywhere all the time. He was never happy to be put down, or sit in a bouncy chair or lie on the floor with toys. Until he could crawl himself, he needed constant movement in someone’s arms. It was hard work.
Anyway, back to the present. I’m hiding because if he can’t see me, he doesn’t cry. He’s happy to be with his Dad. As soon as I walk in, he will cry for me like he’s suddenly realised I’ve been gone for ten years. And after a full day of clingy Arlo, I find myself needing an escape when Sam walks through the door after work.
Yes, it means the washing up still doesn’t get done, and Sam is dealing with Arlo and can’t start cooking so we end up having dinner really late. But it’s worth it to me.
Even more so as I know it doesn’t end when he goes to bed. I am still on duty, required to go in to him at least twice a night (twice if I’m lucky). Feed, then walk around with him for fifteen/twenty minutes, then stroke his back in the cot until he’s breathing deeply, then attempt to ease myself out of the room. I’m sure if I didn’t also have this night-time routine to contend with I’d have much more patience for his neediness during the day.
I know I’m in a lucky position. Hey, I’m complaining that my son wants me, there are worse things. I know that one day, he won’t need me like he does now and I’m sure I will be telling you all that I miss it. But on a daily basis, it’s hard.
Mummy friends have sweetly commented that it shows what a close bond we have. But I wonder whether it really is a great bond, or more of a hindrance for Arlo.
Right now, I want nothing more than for Arlo to find his confidence. I want to set him down at playgroup and see him toddle off, excited to play. I want to see him walking tall like other sixteen month olds, not crouching in a shy crawl and burying his head into me. I want him to be a cheerful toddler and have all these happy experiences. I want him to relish exploring his world (I said a similar thing when he was much younger and didn’t enjoy any of the baby groups we went to. He still doesn’t). I want him to have fun.
For some reason, he is not yet ready. He desperately seeks my constant reassurance and needs to be physically attached to me. His arms reach round my neck, his legs climb my body in an effort to get closer and higher. ‘Lift me up Mama, take me away from this commotion, I want to be at your level. ‘
I know that the walking will come with the confidence, and I have to be patient.
He will get there one day.
12 comments
I feel your pain! We have a pretty similar situation over here too. I was told it was just a phase too, but I agree with you and think that some babies are just a bit more needy than others.
Theo luckily seems to really enjoy going to groups and usually forgets all about me when there are new toys to play with and other kids around, which is great, but means I have to spend most of my time out of the house! So on the rare occasion that I don’t go out the house it’s hard work to keep him entertained all day. Even when Rob gets home and takes him all he wants is me (like you said, if he can see me) even though he hasn’t seen his dad all day! Poor daddy’s!
I’m sorry that I don’t have any useful advice, just thought I’d share what we go through too as its similar! But I do hope it gets a little easier for you, and sounds like you having some space is a great idea, I need to start doing that too…before I loose my mind!
I feel a bit bad for Sam recently. When he comes home, Arlo sometimes doesn’t even smile at him. Think he is wary that Sam might try and distract him from clinging to me. When I’m not around, he doesn’t act needy (or so I’m told), it’s just something he does for my benefit! It’s not the end of the world, though, and usually just takes 30mins of ‘me’ time to recharge the batteries. People tell me that it’s such a short space of time from them being like this to not wanting any cuddles from mum, I try and remember that when I’m getting frustrated.
I’m so glad out-of-sight-out-of-mind works for you! Stay hidden for a bit.
They do eventually learn to deal with the rest of the world without hanging on to Mommy. They really do.
And when he does, I’ll no doubt decide I miss the clingyness. Can’t win!
I’m sorry to hear you are having a tough time. I hope you find comfort in the fact that you’re not alone. My little man is 19 months and for the past few months I’ve used colds/teething/bugs as an excuse for his clinginess and whingyness. He is no longer teething and we finally have a snot free nose. Unfortunately he is still being a clingy, whiny monster and quite frankly, it’s starting to drive me crazy! Like you, I am clinging to the ‘it’s a phase’ line. I just hope it’s one that’s coming to an end soon, for both of us x
It’s so tough when they don’t let you put them down, isn’t it? All these winter illnesses don’t help matters, I think things will improve with the weather.
It does get better. Honest. Try and take regular breaks so you get some time for you – a bath, a walk in peace, whatever because that can be a lifesave (I went loopy attached to Izz for a solid 10 months before someone suggested I have some ‘me’ time!)
I now have the opposite problem … I ask the little bugger what she wants to do on a Friday and her stock answer is “nursery” or “nanny’s!” – anything but being with me. Siiiigh.
There was a time when I didn’t want to be away from him for five minutes. Now regular breaks are a lifesaver!
I’m the same as you and became a bath person upon the birth of Elfie! Alone time is much needed, I had my eyebrows waxed this morning and found that 30 mins alone time so incredibly relaxing.
E has only just started walking at the grand old age of 19 months. She liked the floor too much as well xx
You’ve just reminded me that I need to sort out my eyebrows before they take over my face.
I remember this ‘phrase’ well mine we’re all mummies boys and girl, everyone said i spent too much time with them… but it does get better… they do gain confidene to do things by themselves honestly they do x
Good to hear! I am sure he will gain more confidence soon, I really don’t want to wish away his baby years but every now and then I get a bit fed up with the clingyness!