Gender disappointment is such a complex thing to experience.
You may have stumbled across this article because you have just found out you are having your second, third, or maybe your fourth boy. And you always thought you’d have a girl.
You love your children and are grateful to have them. But you also have some complex feelings to process that not everyone can understand.
Having four boys, I have been through this process several times. If you’ve come here wondering ‘Will I ever get over my gender disappointment?’, I will share how I coped with gender disappointment in this article.
You’ll also hear all the comments I hated hearing when I announced a pregnancy, the realisations I had about never having a daughter. Plus where I am today in my gender disappointment journey.
My gender disappointment story
On the way to the gender scan for our third baby, I felt that I wouldn’t be in the slightest bit surprised if this little person growing inside me was a boy.
I felt like I knew they were going to tell us he was a boy, and if they said baby girl it would be a HUGE surprise.
This was the first time we had chosen to find out the gender. Despite not finding out until they were born for my first two boys, we were finding out at 16 weeks with our third baby, rather than waiting for the 20-week ultrasound.
Third time round, this was to be our last child, and I knew I wanted time to process what our family’s final line-up would be before our baby arrived. I knew I didn’t want those feelings of disappointment crowding the early days with my new baby.
We were all there, older boys included, in the ultrasound room for the scan when the sonographer announced our baby’s gender.
Our third child and third boy.
Does gender disappointment ever go away?
Update – Since writing this article, which has resonated with so many parents-to-be experiencing gender disappointment, I have had a fourth baby – a fourth and final baby BOY. The boy mom life was clearly in store for me with my four lovely boys!
As with our third boy, there was a journey of adjusted expectations with my fourth child. But for anyone wondering “Will I always feel gender disappointment?”, I can offer you hope by stating that I do not waste any time thinking about it now.
I am very fortunate to have my little gang of four, and I am TOTALLY done and totally happy to be done having babies, which for me, has completely removed the wondering and the “What Ifs”. I’m moving on with my life and looking forward to being out of the baby years – four is definitely the magic number for us and we are at capacity!
Read on for more on my gender disappointment journey with my third boy
Before we started out on this whole baby-making journey, I knew I wanted a large family, and I always imagined I’d have a mix of both boys and girls in there. Because I knew we wanted three children, I just assumed and imagined that mix would happen one way or another. I’ve never had any strong feelings as to whether I’m carrying girls or boys, apart from the very first few weeks with my eldest two boys, when I just had an inkling that they were girls. Especially my first baby, I knew he was a girl when I found out about being pregnant with him. With my second boy, I think it’s more because people were telling me “It’ll be a girl this time, I just know it!”
And yes, I would love / would have loved to have a little girl. Not because I want to buy pink dresses or any smaller reason like that. I am not a girly girl and this isn’t about gender stereotypes. It’s a more primal reason than that – the desire and intrigue to see the same gender as yourself reflected in your child. Being a woman is a unique experience, it’s nice to have a family member to share that with.
Our daughter has had a name since my first pregnancy. She isn’t an abstract concept. She is a very real idea. Someone Sam and I had both been imagining for over five years now. Someone who I thought I would always meet.
I’m from a family of female matriarchs. Growing up I didn’t have experience of positive male role models. I know female family relationships.
I had a feeling that I would have to process some things if our final family line-up was all-boy, but truthfully, I wasn’t quite prepared for the torrent of emotion that followed finding out the sex of your baby, in phases, over the next few months.
And so began this strange process of, well, processing that we were going to have a third little boy.
For the first day I was just excited to know.
And then I kept getting hit by silly realisations and weird pangs of sadness about having three boys. Like “I’ll never get to see Sam do a father of the bride speech!” (the groom’s family traditionally don’t really have a role in the speeches do they?) And I really mean silly, because who knows what’s going to happen in the future – daughters can decide not to get married, or not to have wedding speeches.
Realisations about gender disappointment with my third boy
Feeling guilty that I shouldn’t be feeling this way, when all that matters is a healthy baby (even though that statement in itself is ableist in it’s connotation), when some people can’t have children, when some people would love to have three or more children. But knowing that all of that doesn’t actually change the thoughts I’ve had on gender disappointment about a third boy. And so the guilt continues.
Apart from close friends and family, when asked, saying that we haven’t found out yet, because I was still processing. Not being ready to tell acquaintances until I can do it with a genuinely excited smile on my face.
Looking at large families with all the same sex children and wondering “Did you too go through this process?”
Feeling a sad reminder of the pregnancies we’ve lost whenever I hear a comment that we “keep making boys”. Because this isn’t three boys in a row, this is three boys and three unknowns in between.
Let alone my own gender disappointment, I wasn’t able to shake the feeling that we are disappointing all the people around us who had already commented that they would like to see us have a girl.
Feeling, irrationally or not, that people wouldn’t be as excited about a third boy announcement.
Even typically stoic Sam felt this to some extent, but a positive side effect was that it actually made us pretty protective and bonded with our third son – how could anyone think his news wasn’t just as special just because of baby’s sex?
The comments were one of the worst aspects. OH MY GOD the comments.
There is really no other response other than “congratulations!” Or “how exciting!” That is appropriate. Because anything else implies that you think my family isn’t perfect.
I can’t tell you how many times we’ve been told that we are “one member away from having a five-a-side team”.
Consolidatory comments from parents of both: “Boys are easier, anyway, trust me”, or “It’s all the same, really”. Well, that just reminds me that I can’t qualify that opinion from my own personal experience, so it’s a bit of a conversation dead-end.
Then there are the comments where it seems the person is desperate for you to admit some kind of deep disappointment that this baby is not a girl. “Oh, I bet you wanted a girl?” Perhaps if we were two glasses down at the pub, I might happily chat about some of the feelings of gender disappointment that I’ve experienced. But not during a passing moment at the supermarket. Not in front of my children.
“Three boys?? Don’t look too sad about it! You can always keep trying”.
When the response to the eager “Did you find out??” is just “…Oh”.
These comments, especially when your emotions are still raw, or perhaps there’s been a rift (for a short while, Sam couldn’t understand that I really was looking forward to our baby, the different set of emotions I was processing was running alongside all that stuff, not competing with it) these comments can be really cutting.
I think the term gender disappointment is a really misleading term for the feelings I experienced, and the horrible wording is just another excuse to pile more guilt on yourself. I want to make very clear that there was never any disappointment in my child at all.
Gender disappointment is a process of reframing. Not a disappointment over the baby you are going to have, but a processing of the end of something you thought you might have, the closing of one door as another opens.
Before you find out whether you have a girl or a boy at birth during a scan, you are imagining two options, running side by side. When you find out, you are saying goodbye to the other option. The option that never was, but still felt like it almost could have been. For 20 weeks (or 16 in our case).
Saying goodbye can be something that happens in the blink of an eye, or it can be a process. For me, having children of all the same sex, that process has become a little longer each time.
It’s come as a surprise to have these feelings, however fleeting some of them have been. I wasn’t expecting my stronger reaction this time round, to say the least. It’s something that I think only parents of three or more all boy or all girl families might understand. It’s also something that I think we naturally try and keep quiet about, suppress and move on.
I think people don’t mention these feelings much because it’s so easy to misunderstand and assume that you don’t fiercely love the child you have, or assume that you are seriously hung up about it forever. Neither of which is the case for me. I am not sobbing into my cornflakes every morning that I don’t have a girl, this baby brother is the unique individual who was meant to come into our family, and I’ve loved him since the moment I knew he was growing inside me. I definitely have not ever wished to swap one of my boys for a girl.
I’ve written this partly to vent for myself, and partly in the hopes that it might act as a comfort for anyone feeling similarly about gender disappointment after finding out the sex of their baby.
Those first weeks after we found out were a confusing time for me, and all the while I was beating myself up for feeling anything other than extremely lucky and excited for our new arrival. I didn’t know of anyone else who had felt this way or talked openly about gender disappointment.
As with all things you feel like you shouldn’t be saying out loud, I tried to bury the feelings. My mental health suffered and I felt alone because voicing gender disappointment feels like such a taboo subject. But it was only when I gave myself time to fully acknowledge everything I’d tried to bury, that I found I had given myself what I needed to move forward.
Almost immediately after that, the image of three boys, three brothers surfaced to the forefront of my mind. I could let myself imagine all the good things. The image of two boys and a little sister suddenly became something that seemed so alien, something that never was ‘our’ family.
For anyone who might be feeling those horribly conflicting and confusing emotions, feeling guilty that they might be feeling ‘gender disappointment’ even though that term is woefully inadequate, I promise that gender disappointment doesn’t last forever. By the end of my pregnancy, it had well and truly cleared and made way for me to fully concentrate on looking forward to meeting our baby boy.
In fact, perhaps because he was my third baby and adjusting to a newborn was familiar territory, perhaps because I felt defensive and protective over him being “another boy” in other people’s eyes (as if all boys are exactly the same just because of their sex), whatever the reason, I fell in love with him from the very first moment – something that had taken a little longer with my other two children.
Yes, the large family I imagined back when we started making our family was one with a mix of boys and girls. The reality is different. But it’s equally as lovely.
How to cope with gender disappointment
I get contacted a lot by pregnant women who have found my videos or blog posts on gender disappointment. I always say a variation on the same thing: Congratulations on the special person you are about to bring into the world. Gender disappointment is a very real thing, you are allowed to have these feelings of sadness – it doesn’t make you a bad mother and it doesn’t mean that your baby isn’t just as loved and wanted by you. The negative emotions can feel strong and scary (pregnancy hormones are definitely a factor in heightening the very normal process of adjusting to a particular sex).
Does gender disappointment every go away? Gender disappointment does not last forever, you will not always feel the way you do now. There may be moments in your life where the remnants of these feelings momentarily creep in. But once you are out of the baby-making years, and focussing on the rest of your life ahead, gender disappointment is no longer all-encompassing. At first, you may have to work do reframe the positives, but you will find new life goals and plenty of reasons to be happy.
Remember – Your family is yours, and it is the perfect family.
I have also made a video on the subject of gender ‘disappointment’ and my feelings when I found out that our third baby was also a boy. I sat down and filmed it totally on a spur of a moment, so it’s very honest and raw and has seemed to really resonate with other all-boy and all-girl mums:
Thinking of trying the Shettles method?
Read my article on this famous conception method to get a girl or a boy, and why the Shettles Method has been debunked.
43 comments
I am not sure what to say but I know that your feelings are real and should be validated. You have no need to feel guilty, you have three beautiful boys and you are a bloody brill Mum who loves them all equally xxx
Thanks Rachel. The guilt was only momentary. Now I’m just enjoying my time having a lovely newborn to snuggle.
I think there’s alot of oversensitivity these days…people find a way to be offended seemingly in today’s society or be hurt by comments that were clearly benign innocent and intended to help in the majority of cases not cut down anyone
I can relate to this so much! I always wanted three kiddies. So far we’ve got two boys. Before we had either of them, I knew I would like a mixture too. To be honest, I went through a similar process after finding out my second would be a boy. Hubs is now unsure whether to go for a third – and I feel much like you’ve described, in anticipation. Great post x
I feel like I could have written this myself. I have a step son, son and I’m due tomorrow with another boy. I’m overwhelmingly excited that he’s a boy and wouldn’t change his gender for the world but I do feel a loss at what could be if I ever had a girl. Being only my second child it doesn’t seem so final for me but as this is my husbands third he doesn’t want to have any more so I feel like it may also just be the fact that my baby making days are over!
The comments are the worst, ‘ooh never mind, maybe next time’, ‘ooh is it a girl this time?'( said with eager excitement! It makes you feel fake when you express how happy you are that its a boy.
Ramble over haha thank you for sharing my love
Maybe next time is a horrible comment. All the best for your imminent arrival, very exciting!!
How is it that bad it just means don’t give up hope it doesn’t make sense how anyone could be insulted it just means to not to give up hope
I love this post. I have two girls then had a boy. We didn’t find out what we were having but I felt the pressure to produce a boy was huge. Everyone presumed we’d had another child because we wanted a boy but that couldn’t have been further from the truth. I convinced myself the last one would be a girl too as that was all I could imagine and the shock when he was a boy was huge. It took me about a year to get used to it I think!! My heart goes out to you, the emotional rollorcoaster of kids eh?!
The pressure is horrible. Even when half the time it’s just in my head.
People just seem to have no clue how to respond to baby news. It’s bizarre how inappropriate they are, across the board. When I fell pregnant with our third people were actually incredulous because ‘you have one of each already’, yes, we do but we always planned three children! As you say, the only appropriate response is ‘how wonderful!’
I was asked a few times if my third was unplanned. I think for some people anything above two children is just unimaginable. I always wanted four (then swiftly changed that plan to 3 once I actually started having babies, haha!)
People can be so insensitive, I think that often they just say the first thing that comes out of their mouth to fill empty space without genuinely processing what it is they were saying. I remember after having Olly, when I was still hooked on the idea of a 3rd, that people kept saying “one of each, that’s you done then!” etc. I was disturbed and frustrated by the comments.
Of course the irony is that now I’ve been sterilised the same people are “oh, no more then *sad face*” Can’t bloody win.
Yes I think definitely a blurt the first thought that comes out situation.
Thanks for writing so honestly and thoughtfully about such a deeply personal and complicated topic. I had dodgy comments when I was pregnant with my second boy and still get those ‘when are you having a girl’ comments now, 8 years on! I wrote a post about this years ago after watching a show focusing on extreme gender ‘disappointment’ but the reality is often more subtle and that term doesn’t cover or honour the scope of emotions you go through as a mother to be. So much of parenting is processing isn’t it? Coming to terms with ideas and feelings you never knew you had, letting go of expectations and learning to embrace the family you have. Your boys are beautiful, every single one of them great post x
Thank you. I loved your words about parenting. Describes it perfectly.
Thanks for putting this so eloquently. You’ve summed up exactly how I feel on this topic – I have two boys and felt the second was a girl because I already had a boy, and that was how it worked right?! I would love a girl but a third child (regardless of gender) just isn’t in our plan. I feel sad that my boys won’t get to have a sister, but that’s life I suppose! I got asked by a stranger on holiday last week, ‘no girl? Just two boys?’ It took all my strength to laugh it off and say ‘me, I’m the girl!!’ Thanks again and congrats on your gorgeous brood
It’s the ‘just’ in ‘just two boys’ that would bother me. There’s no ‘just’ about it!
Loved your honesty here Chloe. I can’t relate but I always, always make sure to stick to ‘Congratulations’ when people share any baby news because nothing else is ever appropriate. Babies are a blessing, not always easy, but always a blessing. Interestingly I had really strong feelings with each of my three but I never shared with others because I didn’t want people to think that’s what I ‘wanted’. Your posts always engage me so much 🙂
Me too, always just “Great news!” Or “Congratulations!”
I think you’ve captured it really well, that idea of being upset about not having a girl while at the same time being so happy about the boy you are having is a weird concept but a very real one. We had the opposite with a girl first and then a boy ‘oh you’ve got a full set now’, it’s not simply about having one of each. I like the different relationships I have with my daughter vs. my son, but as my youngest grows I know the relationship I have will be different with him again.
Oh and lovely photos 🙂
Yes, all relationships are different because they are all different people – I know that for certain having two very different boys (and a third who will no doubt show us that he too is different in many ways to his brothers).
There is so much that I could say about this, but I can’t articulate it right now.
I am currently writing a post about this… I’ve just had my fourth boy.
I would love to tag this post, when I am finished writing my own post.
This is written beautifully
I wrote down some thoughts whilst pregnant, but it took me until now to piece it all together into something I felt I could articulate well enough. It takes time. I would definitely like to read your post when you are ready to publish it. Congratulations on your boy and enjoy your lovely newborn time together!
Everyone is convinced that we ‘balanced our family’ with the second set of twins via a US trip to determine the sexes – we didn’t! But to be honest it was only because we couldn’t afford to, had we been able to justify the additional cost of travel and PGD on top of the IVF we would have strongly considered it. Just because we were doing the really invasive bit of the process anyway, and because I’m a control freak who likes to know and have a handle on things.
I think that wanting at least one of each is such a primal thing, it’s impossible to ‘head over heart’ about something like that no matter how much you adore your children and would rather have those children anyway. Of course there has to be a period of adjustment. Your three are so delightful though, I’m so glad that you are able to connect with and appreciate your wonderful reality. I do think that Baby O is probably the most gorgeous baby I’ve ever seen – including my own!
Haha, a cheeky trip to the US that you managed to hide from everybody : ) I think that your ‘balanced’ family is just so lovely, as the girls will grow up with a best girl friend for life and the boys the same too, they are going to share so many adventures together!
I have 2 girls and although we are unlikely to have a third, one of my concerns if we did would be that people would assume we were only trying for a third in the hope that we had a boy. And that if we had another girl she would be some sort of poor consolation prize. I don’t know whether that concern is justified or not but is based on some of the comments we got when we found out our 2nd was a girl. I definitely understand those feelings of letting go of the idea of experiencing a boy and a girl. I’ve had to come to terms with knowing I will never have a son and it is a strange mix of feelings like you say.
My goodness I want to give you a hug. I cried for 3 days when I found out LJ was a girl. Everyone, including the midwife, had said they thought I was carrying like a boy etc etc and you just build up this little picture in your head don’t you? We had the same comments afterwards – the ‘oh will you try for a boy’. It is hard. And actually now that we are having a boy I am slightly annoyed as they will all now think it was what we were aiming for. But I would have been just as happy to have a third girl, because like you say – it is just what is meant. x
I think it really doesn’t help when others unwittingly encourage you to build up an idea in your head – we do enough of that for ourselves! ; )
I have one of each so didn’t go through these feeling about have a friend who did and a lot of people didn’t understand it. To me though it’s totally reasonable and you were right to give yourself that time to adjust to things. You have a beautiful family lovely x
It’s quite a complex thing, so I can see why a lot of people don’t understand it…I’m not sure I even understood it when I was going through it myself!
As soon as I popped on to your blog this post immediately caught my eye. Although my third baby was a girl, I know that if I had had a boy, I could have easily written this piece myself. When we found out the sex of our 2nd son, we felt terrible for initially being disappointed that he wasn’t a girl. Then we snapped out of it and never thought about it again, pleased that we had another healthy boy. At his scan I remember fleetingly thinking that I wouldn’t rule out another baby and 3 years later, we decided to try again. We found out the gender at 16 weeks because we wanted to know either way and partly because if the baby had of been a boy, we would have been prepared for it and not got our hopes up. It all sounds terrible doesn’t it and it feels like such a taboo subject to talk about with people. Of course a baby is loved whatever, but we’re still human and have hopes and dreams. One of the main things I was relieved about more than anything, was not having to deal with people’s thoughtless comments if we had of been expecting another boy. Reading what you had people say to you must have been so hard and I’ll never understand why people feel the need to say such stupid things. I think it definitely puts things into perspective once the baby arrives as by that point you wouldn’t want them to be anything other than who they are. Such a poignant post and perfectly written x
Thank you Hannah. I can totally understand how you must have been feeling when you decided to have a third. He’s three months old and we are still getting comments. I think they will probably last forever. But then if we were to decide to have a fourth, and it was a girl, we’d get comments like “Oh you finally got a girl” which feels a bit mean to my boys (in my head anyway). To be honest, facing those comments and reactions again puts me off wanting a fourth child right now!!
What a fantastically written, and brilliantly honest post. I think everyone has an idea in their head as to what their family will be like, and for lots of people it will look different, and like you say, you’re not disappointed but it just takes time to get your head around things. I feel so cross though when I hear about people’s negative reactions to boys, and how everyone MUST want a girl. I remember feeling pissed off when I first announced I was pregnant with Sasha, and so many people said I must be rooting for a girl, which made me feel insulted on Freddie’s behalf! Boys are ace, and how lovely to have a gang of brothers- you are a lucky lady! x
I know this is a super old post and I read it when you posted it but came back to it now I’m a mama of three boys too. I love what you said about feeling so defiensive and protective over your last boy. I feel like that with mine, he just seems so special to me. Now we’ve decided that there won’t be any more babies I do have moments of wondering about a daughter but you are totally right that it is no reflection of my feelings for my wonderful boys.
P.S. My father in law gave a wonderful speech at our wedding, he cried and everything so totally a thing!
Thank you so much for this post and the video. I just found out we will be welcoming boy number three in July and you said everything I needed to hear!!
I love this post – it resonates with me so much. My disappointment in finding out at an early gender scan that our second baby was a boy was very evident. My husband snapped me out of it 30 minutes later and I loved the idea of brothers. He is now 7 months old (my oldest being 2.5) and I wouldn’t have them any other way!
Doesn’t mean I’m not hoping for a girl if we are lucky enough to have another though… 🙂
Oh my, this is exactly how I felt when I found out I was having a third boy! You put it so well. I had never considered that others would have such similar thought processes. Thank you
It’s been good for me to find out these feelings are actually pretty common – you are definitely not alone!
So thankful to read and to watch your story! Though honestly it doesn’t help much at the moment as I heard only yesterday it’s a third boy for me having already two of 14 and 12… planned so long and as I realize now without even allowing myself to think of another boy, so hopeful it to be finally a girl for myself, I never expected to feel so devastated. My boyfriend was so angry to see me crying and so upset as it’s his first child. But he always talked of a little girl and partly convinced me! I lived many years content with two sons and was both times completely content with the gender. This time is so terrible and I feel utterly alone. And worst of all it feels like I suddenly stopped enjoying this pregnancy and don’t want it anymore and can’t even look and think of baby boys and feel no love only deep grief. I keep thinking I am 38 and never wanted four children or getting another child after what? 40!? So the comment about next time a girl is making it even worse. Is it normal to have these harsh feelings and is er a way to restore this love and happiness about the baby from before finding out? I almost regret I found out! I really see no future any more…
We used to always talk of a little girl, too. It’s what we both imagined before we had our boys – now I can only imagine boys!
This post is certainly years old, but as I am carrying my last, fifth child. I have four beautiful living boys, and I just know I will be having my fifth. I find out in about ten days.
Thank You for this article.
It was wonderfully written.
So touching and sincere, thank you so much for sharing. I can relate to so much of what you say! This will for sure help other mamas. Sending love.
I just wanted to say thank you for this. It’s beyond helpful and reassuring to hear. My story to this point mirrors yours exactly, hence finding out for the first time mid pregnancy what the gender is and it’s a 3rd boy. I knew I needed to find out to give me time to process, but little did I know how raw the grieving I am now going through for the daughter I’m not having would be. It’s taken me a long time to persuade my husband (one of three boys) that we should have a third, so this is it. I see my sisters and friends with daughters and long to see what mine would be like. I know it will get easier and I’m so glad for my sons that they will be a trio. We’ve not told them yet and I know the eldest wants a sister, but in time two brothers will be wonderful. It just me who is letting go of all my preconceived ‘what would it be like’ ideas.