Some things are not meant to be.

Your body obviously just isn’t ready / It will happen when your body is ready.

Anything to do with luck, luck has nothing to do with it –  ie. You’ve had such bad luck. Hope you have good luck soon.

Fortunately, I’ve never suffered a miscarriage /  I hope I never have to experience miscarriage.

I had bleeding (You know, really heavy bleeding) all throughout my pregnancy. You might be fine.

Have you thought that it could be because you’re breastfeeding?

Anecdotal tales of hope – I miscarried and got pregnant the very next cycle.

It’ll happen when you least expect it.

Relax.

It’ll happen eventually. I mean, you know you can get pregnant.

It’s not hard, it’s up to you how you choose to deal with it.

Things that are fine to say:

I’m sorry

Wow, you’ve had a shit time of it recently.

Me too.

That must have been hard.

I realise that this is most probably going to scare people away from commenting on any of my posts on the subject, but I am quite sensitive to certain types of responses even though I know they are said with the best intentions. These are some of the things that have been said to me, and some of the comments that I have seen repeated time and time again on blog posts and forums. 

12 comments

  1. I hear ya! I had to terminate a pregnancy at 19 weeks (baby had fatal chromosome abnormality) and I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks, both before I conceived and successfully went on to have my gorgeous baby girl. People don’t know what to say and so they often say something that rubs you up the wrong way, and it’s hard to listen to and you have to bite your lip, but often it’s said with the best intentions, even if it does’t feel that way at the time x

    1. : ( I’m sorry

      I know they just want to say something to make you feel better, that’s why I feel a bit bad slating all these comments when I know they are said with the best intentions…but I just don’t want to hear the same things over and over again. xx

      1. totally understand. just because it’s understandable (to a point), doesn’t mean it’s any easier to hear 🙁
        wishing you all the luck in the world that it happens for you sooner rather than later, but take time to get over what’s happened, it’s only natural to feel so preoccupied and sad over what you’ve been through xxx

  2. I’m so sorry, I said two of those things to you but I guess it’s a hard thing to discuss using Twitter. I guess I felt like just saying sorry wasn’t enough, I find it really hard to accept that things happen without a reason so I thought I was trying to help by trying to think of some, even though I know that miscarriages are just shit and just happen and there is no reason. I honestly didn’t mean to cause any offence. If I was speaking to you in person I would have said the same thing but I guess it would have been easier for you to explain how it felt from your point of view. Sorry though xX

    1. Ah, don’t worry. I wrote most of this ages ago. I was in a much better place when I talked to you and decided to tell the whole of Twitter! I know what you mean about wanting to find a reason. I think I know the reason (and I’m working on it!) but it isn’t any of those things. I thought it might have been the breastfeeding too at one point, but I’ve just had my prolactin tested (the breastfeeding hormone) and there are no issues there.

  3. I lost twins (missed miscarriage, had to have a D&C) before I had Isabel and I know I’ve said at least one of those things to someone. It’s about not wanting them to hurt, even though I remember how grating they were at the time. Very few of us seem any good at dealing with grief and the emotions that surround it.

    I was “fine” with my loss for a long time, and then I had Isabel and one day it just hit me exactly what had happened, what I’d missed out on.

    I’m sorry for your loss.

    1. I know, and this morning I’m feeling quite mean for publishing this one. I was just hoping I could maybe avoid hearing the same comments again when I post my next few posts – thought about disabling comments but decided against it.

  4. I’m sorry.

    If I may add, the other phrase that a friend said to me that I appreciated was “That breaks my heart to hear”. It was the right amount of sympathy, but not trying to empathize to much.

    And if I could please thank you also, for writing this post.
    I have had family and friends say exactly those wrong things multiple times and you’ve captured every single one perfectly. It’s nice to see it clearly outlined.

    I hope you don’t mind if I re-blog.

    Warm thoughts.

    -Kit

  5. I had an Ectopic Pregnancy which Ruptured and had internal bleeding and nearly died, It wasn’t picked up as I had originally been diagnosed as having miscarried and I was low risk/no risk of Ectopic. I love this post. I have heard so much of the what not to say and what to say. In fact I believe I have heard everyone of them over the last 8 weeks. And Everyone of the things that were said I know was coming from a good place while I was in such a Dark horrible place, I didn’t have ago because I know they were coming from a good place I guess they just didn’t really know What to say or How to say what they wanted to say (hope that makes sense).
    The one thing I have noticed is that there seems to be such a taboo around people talking about miscarriages and Ectopic Pregnancies. I think if people were made to feel like they could open up about how they really felt with what they were going through with out feeling like they were being judged there would be far less people saying the things they shouldn’t say. I try to be optimistic and I like to think that all the things that are said to me that I dont want to hear is coming from a loving place. I know they not saying it to be mean.

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