Pathological Demand Avoidance has been in the news a bit recently. But the reporting has been a bit basic, and the headlines predictably clickbaity. Does PDA really mean ‘a condition where you can’t tell your child what to do’?
One of my children has a lot of demand avoidance tendencies. A PDA profile was picked up on in a speech and language assessment at school, which came as no surprise to us, his parents. But the SALT report has been very helpful in validating his challenges and seeking further support.
What is Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)?
Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is a profile on the autism spectrum characterised by extreme anxiety around everyday demands and expectations. It’s not about being defiant or difficult — it’s a nervous system response to fear and loss of control.
In practice, this can look like avoidance, negotiation, refusal, or even panic in the face of simple requests. For families, it often means rethinking everyday interactions and finding new ways to reduce pressure and anxiety.
Our Experience of PDA
“Anxiety over demands” is vague without context. I think it’s helpful to explain some examples of PDA behaviour and how this translates to day-to-day life.
Obvious caveat: this is just one experience and not a definitive profile of PDA. But here is what demand avoidance looks like for our family at this point in time:
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It means an anxiety-driven need for autonomy and control. Which means negotiations upon negotiations upon negotiations. About everything.
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It means anything he doesn’t want to hear will be answered with “shut up”…or worse.
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It means ignoring you if he doesn’t want to hear you.
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It means selective mutism, especially amongst anyone outside of his safe circle.
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It means freezing and screaming and being non-responsive in peak dysregulation.
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It means that the fight or flight response is quite literally stand and scream, or bolt.
- It means that it is disruptive to his education, as he often refuses to participate in tasks or do his work.
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It means that on school photo day or flu spray day, I will inevitably get a notification to say that he refused to participate.
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It means that if he has misunderstood something, or something does not go according to plan, it’s my fault (obviously!) and I will get called names and berated until we can successfully distract.
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It means that praise is too much of an expectation. Saying “well done” or “good job” causes upset (this one still trips me up). It’s emotionally hard to know your child has such a reaction to praise when you naturally want to build them up. But neutral yet specific language can work better here, i.e. “I noticed how carefully you did XYZ” or “You were concentrating a lot just there”.
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It means he never gets the teacher award or star of the week because it upsets him.
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It means if we do something fun and I ask “Did you have a nice time?” he will reply with what he disliked, or what I did wrong. Because I’ve put an expectation on him by asking him to assess whether he enjoyed something. This one is another hard habit of mine to break.
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It means his peers can be wary of his unpredictability.
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But on the flipside, it means many children find him very funny / fascinating because his behaviour can be quite… outlandish.
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It means we get asked by his friends and friends of his brothers “Why does he cry a lot?” and “Why does he say rude things to his brother?” Inquisitiveness is good, it helps build understanding.
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It means high anxiety about many things. Even nice things like going on holiday, or having a treat. Even things he has an interest in doing, but just can’t clear that hurdle of anxiety.
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It means that often, I am not allowed to hold a conversation with anyone else without shouting and deliberate interruptions. Phone calls are difficult.
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It means what looks like me being rude and not stopping to chat is actually me preserving a fine invisible balance for my child, which would crumble if I talk to another person that isn’t him right now.
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It means a higher level of isolation in many circumstances, due to the above. It’s difficult to be sociable at school events or parties when I need to have eyes on at all times.
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It means that the nicer you are, the more likely to elicit a violent response. Eg, my friend on the school run who he punched because she got down on his level and asked what was wrong when he needed space at that moment. Or the classmate who he kicked because she tried to comfort during a moment of dysregulation.
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Due to all of the above, it means that people probably think my child is rude and badly behaved.
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It means that whilst my child appears to not care one bit about what other people think, the truth is that he cares deeply about how his actions are perceived. But he lacks the ability to control it, and that leads to further anxiety and frustration. Underneath it all is a child who just wants to feel more in control and less fearful.
So, Does PDA Really Mean You Can’t Tell Your Child What to Do?
Not quite. But requests might need a different approach and some careful declarative language.
I find these strategies to reduce demands are helpful and can be beneficial for all children.
Empathy and Understanding Matter Most
If you’d like to read more on Pathological Demand Avoidance and Autism, this article is extensive and covers a lot. I especially like the emphasis on empathy and understanding mentioned towards the end:
It is essential to bear in mind that an Autistic person experiencing PDA is doing so as a response to overwhelming circumstances. In response, it is vital to demonstrate kindness and reassurance, while simultaneously offering support without exacerbating their already heightened levels of stress.
Never shame them, blame them, or chastise them. Experiencing PDA is not a conscious choice, or a flick of a switch, or an attempt to manipulate a situation with behaviour. It is largely out of the Autistic person’s control, and while they may sense it coming and sometimes may be able to self-soothe or co-regulate enough to stave off a behavioural shift, it is still not a conscious choice.
Empathy and well-informed support can truly have a profound impact on someone grappling with PDA.
It is crucial to bear in mind that the objective of comprehending and handling Autistic PDA is not to “repair” the person, but rather to create a world that is more inclusive and considerate of their requirements. This can only be achieved through raising awareness, providing education, and fostering empathy towards the diverse ways in which individuals perceive the world.
Parenting a child with a PDA profile means constantly learning, adjusting, and unlearning old patterns.
PDA doesn’t mean a child is being deliberately difficult — it means the world feels difficult for them. And the more understanding and flexibility we can bring, the calmer life becomes for everyone.
