More of this? Or evening up the scores a little bit?
[dropcap]W[/dropcap]e’ve had the perfect Christmas break.
Sam has been working from home in the bit between Christmas and New Year, and hasn’t had any trips since early December. In fact, he’s been around so much that I’ve forgotten what it’s like when he’s not here (which is actually a bit of a scary prospect!)
As I’m lying in bed being treated to one of the many mini dozes I’ve been able to have whilst Sam is at home, I can feel the faint wriggles and pops of movement inside me, and I am wondering who you are in there.
This is probably the last time I will have to wonder. After our not-so-great experience with the sonographer at the 12 week scan, Sam has OKed my initially-denied request for a private gender scan. And it’s booked in for tomorrow.
It’s not the sort of thing we’d usually dream of spending so much money on, especially when it’s not the norm for us, having waited till they were born to find out about both our boys. I have been warned that the private scan experience can be quite saccharine, but after many underwhelming or totally overwhelming scan experiences, and because this is most likely the last baby, I goddamn want that special scan experience.
And I am pretty sure I want to know – Is it a girl or is it a boy?
So, this is my last opportunity to write my feelings on this subject, before we know for sure tomorrow.
I’ve read many, many perspectives on the question of girl or boy preference during pregnancy. Generally, the one prevailing theme is that we (honestly!) don’t have a preference. We don’t mind one bit either way. I even wrote a post along these lines myself when I was pregnant with Rory. And it was all completely true. But even if it wasn’t, I understand why this is the only answer. Any other answer feels like betraying the occupant of your womb, should they happen to turn out to be the gender that you hadn’t specified a preference for.
I would love to have a girl. I guess I’ve always imagined I would have a daughter. After I had Rory, knowing we would most likely stop at three children, it felt like third time round would be my last chance. If this baby is a boy, there’s no denying that there will be somewhat of an adjustment period, some kind of process of acceptance that I will not be a mother to a daughter. It won’t be a mournful process, by any means, just a “getting my head round it” process. But this is actually a large part of my reasoning for finding out this time – I’d rather get that process out of the way in advance and not have it competing for head space alongside the excitement of meeting my baby (should he turn out to be a boy).
I would love to have a boy. After two boys, if this baby is a girl, there will no doubt be an adjustment period where I am getting used to the idea of never having a baby boy again. Baby boys are what I know, and they are extremely, extremely sweet. To not have what I know so well? Surely, I would miss it just a teeny bit?
To have a baby girl would be a huge surprise. A familiar adventure with a different twist.
To have a baby boy would feel reassuringly familiar. A path I know. And a future that I can clearly imagine. Three grown up sons. A close, brotherly bond.
Sometimes I think my ideal line-up, my ultimate scenario (if there were such a thing), would be two boys and then a girl, because I’ve alraedy witnessed my sons’ extremely close brotherly bond, and I wonder whether it would have been the same had there been three or four more years between them and a sister taking the place of middle child. Or vice versa, had I had two girls and then a boy.
But in the completely hypothetical situation where you could choose girl or boy at the point of conception, in my heart I know that I never would. I would always want to leave it up to fate, to see things turn out the way they were meant to be.
So when I say I honestly don’t mind, this is what I mean, really.
Having two boys already, we have been inundated with questions and assumptions about whether we want or “were trying for” a girl. We had it a little bit with Rory’s pregnancy. But this is on another level.
We’ve been asked several times if this baby was an accident (I guess two is the norm for a lot of people?), and asked many times if we were purposefully trying for or rooting for a girl.
With two of the same already, in any conversation at any given time, the question usually comes, gently or abruptly posed, in one form or another.
I’ve never been comfortable with the attention that pregnancy brings. It started with Arlo, when I had a feeling my responses to excitable questions were not quite what people expected. I’m a lot more used to it now that we are on round 3, but I do still find myself getting flustered with questions, and perhaps focusing more on what I think people want to hear. Because generally, a question has been asked for a reason, and sure enough, the opinion of the question-asker is usually bestowed swiftly after I’ve finished my response.
“Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?” is not something I can answer in one, short, conversation. It’s ALL of the above thoughts at once.
But on a level above all those inconsequential thoughts, there really is only one answer, and it’s a very simple one.
Because as soon as you become pregnant, all you want is the person growing inside you.
They are the only person you want to meet, whoever they may be.
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Disclaimer: dates and times are irrelevant in this because this post wasn’t published in ‘real time’…we may know already ; )
20 comments
I totally understand where you are coming from. I’m pregnant with my second boy and always said I’d stop at 2. I’ve been honest and said I’d like a daughter, who wouldn’t want to experience both? But now I’m pregnant with a second boy, I think my plans may change and we will have another and ‘try for a girl’. I hate saying it like that, of course I’d be happy with any baby as long as it’s healthy, but I’m not going to deny the fact I want a daughter. But like you say, it won’t be mourning if it never happens, just an adjustment. Good luck with your pregnancy xx
I imagine most people probably would like to experience both, if they could. Two boys is so lovely though (speaking from experience!) I love watching my boys together and can imagine them as teenagers and adults, still with a close bond.
I felt exactly the same way, I adore my boys but it has been an adjustment knowing I’d never be a mother to a daughter. I also liked getting used to that idea while pregnant. Xx
Ah Corinne, you have such a lovely family, but yes, I can imagine the adjustment. I found it really hard to write this without it sounding like I’d be at all disappointed either way, but I think I conveyed the balance as best I could!
We had many of the same questions when I was expecting Pip only vice versa – and like you we didn’t mind. I didn’t have a strong feeling about who he would turn out to be either like I did with Elma but now he’s here I can’t imagine it any other way!
Of course, once they are here it would be IMPOSSIBLE to imagine anything else.
Ha! I love your disclaimer.
I am so excited for you. Whoever that little person turns out to be will be so loved and will fit in perfectly. I cannot wait to see your new family of five and to see how it grows. Rory and Arlo are going to be fantastic brothers – whatever gender their new sibling turns out to be x
Thanks Donna. That is very true, they will be coming into a family where there is already a very welcome space for them.
Ahh I bet you know by now – how exciting!
When I found out Hux was going to be a boy I went through a bit of a grieving process, so desperate was I for another girl. But I LOVE having a boy – love love love. Wouldn’t have them any other way. x
Just shows that even the heralded “one of each” is not always what everyone is aiming for.
Oh my goodness, if I’d had a pound for every person who asked me whether our third was an accident (okay, so she may have been a little earlier than we originally planned, but she was very much part of the plan!!!) I think with a boy and a girl already most people had just assumed that we were done. As you know, I found out third time around too after two surprises and as I said on twitter, it was different but wouldn’t say I preferred knowing or not knowing. I have to be honest I’ve had an adjustment period with every single one of my kids with regards to gender. I really wanted a boy first time, to the extent that I convinced myself I was having a girl so I wouldn’t be disappointed (yes I know how mad that sounds!), I had this crazy in love period when he was first born and was EXACTLY what I had wanted. Although I’d have never told a soul when I was pregnant just how much I wanted a boy! Second time around I just kind of assumed I’d have another boy, I’m not really sure why, we just always pictured ourselves with boys I think (oh the irony!). Then when she arrived and was a girl, initially I found it really strange. I didn’t feel like I knew how to have a girl, and in all honesty it was a few days before I got over it and felt like I could start bonding with her. Third time around we obviously found out. In part because we thought it would be good for the children and that it would make their new sibling less of an abstract concept. This was definitely the case, and I think they both felt very bonded with their new sister before she even arrived. But also partly found out for me, because I didn’t want a repeat of last time, where I felt a bit stunned at the birth by what I’d had and like it would get in the way of bonding. I definitely did feel more bonded somehow to our littlest lady at birth than I did with the older two, it was kind of like I felt like I knew her a bit more. I am also glad that I got to experience what it’s like to know, and to now know. However were I to have a fourth… I’m not sure if I would find out again, I’m not sure why. Can’t wait to hear your news. x
I had a similar adjustment with Rory. Hadn’t had a feeling as to whether he was a boy or a girl, but most family were convinced he was a girl. When he was born I definitely had a few weeks of getting used to another boy, and knowing the chances of having a girl were significantly decreasing! It’s weird because I didn’t have a preference either way, and would never have changed a thing, but I think it’s maybe just a HUGE deal every time you welcome another baby, there is always something to get used to.
I was surprised how many people asked me my preference when I was pregnant and they were surprised when I answered, ‘a boy’ which begs the question why ask if you weren’t expecting an answer? 🙂 After my 20 week scan, I rang my mum to tell her the sex and she expressed her disappointment that I wasn’t having a girl and it wasn’t until that moment that I realised I really didn’t care. I wasn’t excited because I was having a boy, I was excited because I was having my boy.
I’m telling people I’m hoping for a puppy…that would be quite nice, actually.
Great post – you really have conveyed the balance. I have one of each & we found out both times…both times I didn’t really have a preference but if I did have a tiny one it was for the sex each baby is. Yet I still felt myself grieving a little for the sex they weren’t. For me, it was almost as though, up to the point of finding out, there was the potential for either a girl or a boy baby. And finding out they were one meant saying goodbye to the other. To the potential other. Just a different turning in the road, I guess.
I think that’s exactly it – saying goodbye to the potential other.
I needed to know with all of mine and have had the accident question a lot, because we have four and because they are so close together (and because 3 out of 4 were complete surprises!). I completely agree with how you ended this, I just want this person inside me whoever he or she may be. I had never thought much about whether I would jave girls or boys but after Dylan I felt quite certain that boys are ‘my thing’. I am a little sad that we may never have a girl but I can’t imagine being happier than we are with our boys. I can’t wait to find out what you are having!
This is so perfectly, eloquently written. It really made me smile as its described exactly how I feel.
I have two boys myself and am pregnant with a surprise, due in February – we chose not to find out this time because I thought it might somehow alleviate all of the constant comments and questions!! I thought if we didn’t know the sex, it wouldn’t be so much of a constant conversation piece – and that maybe we’d get less of the “Oh fingers crossed for a girl!” rubbish we got when I was having my second son – I was wrong though, I’ve still had all of the comments! If anything its probably been even more full on this time!!!!
I don’t know why people can’t just bite their tongues?! xx
Oooh not long for you to go now! Surprises are great – I still feel a little weird that we know so early this time round.
Oh we are in exactly the same position, and yes, the comments have been next level this time round!