Cue massive, massive panic from me. “What if I told you I just got a positive on a pregnancy test?”
“Well, I’d say it means you’re pregnant”, the GP answered all too sarcastically and without the tact I expected after seeing the same GP during my last two miscarriages.
“But it’s going to fail again isn’t it? Because my progesterone is way too low.”
“No, the reason your progesterone is low is because you were already pregnant when you had the blood test. You don’t get a rise in progesterone when you are pregnant.”
At that point I wrapped up the conversation because I knew she couldn’t help me. She was given me incorrect information. Of course your progesterone rises, pregnancy or no pregnancy. The swing from estrogen to progesterone in the second half of your cycle is crucial to conception.
In my eyes, my results meant another failed pregnancy. If my progesterone wasn’t even high enough to indicate normal ovulation, how the hell could it ever be enough to sustain a pregnancy? I wasn’t allowed another progesterone test (some stupid rule that they can’t test again if you’ve had it tested within the last 4 weeks). I waited for bleeding to start.
It never came. 15 weeks on and we are still here, both of us. I can’t prove it, but I really think in my case the vitamins I started taking did something amazing. I survived anxiety in stretches of two weeks, the interval between the series of early scans I had at the EPU. There was no acknowledgment of this baby between Sam and I, save for every Sunday when I’d casually mutter “X amount of weeks today”.
Arlo and I saw a peanut shaped lump at 6 weeks, a heartbeat at 7 weeks, a few wriggles at 9 weeks, and at 13 weeks all 3 of us saw a fully fledged healthy baby shape. Now, at almost 16 weeks, the placenta should have taken over full progesterone production from my body, so my worries about low progesterone levels are alleviating.
I have been pregnant on and off for the last 10 months. We are approaching the due date of the first loss, what would have been our Christmas baby, in a couple of weeks. My hormones have been all over the place for a long time, and my body has experienced a lot of rapid changes with not much break between them. Pregnancy has been my main focus for the best part of the last year. All of this is going to take a lot of processing.
My past experiences have made me rather guarded over this pregnancy. I haven’t felt like sharing the news here until now. Aside from parents, we didn’t tell friends and family until last week (although it turns out I didn’t have that many people to tell as my mum had already told most of our side of the family ages ago). All being well, we should be expecting to meet this little person towards the end of May.
I am so very thankful, but I still don’t really feel like rejoicing. It’s still sinking in that this is happening. But I am trying to embrace it now, for me, and because it’s what this baby deserves. A big part of doing the pregnancy thing again was making up for the pregnancy I didn’t have with Arlo. I’m starting to think it’s just not part of my nature to be a deliriously happy sunshine and roses pregnant person, but I do want to feel the excitement and do justice to this pregnancy. I think I’m slowly making my way towards that.